Contradictions, doubts, & needing to understand who God actually is.

Q: Why do Christians read the Bible because there are infinite contradictions. My doubts in Jesus and God came with deeper studying of the Bible. 

I sought God literally with all my heart mind body and soul- every fiber of my being- and yet I got doubts and severe traumas instead. 13 “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Apparently not I!!!! I have the purest most loving sinless heart of everyone ive Ever known and much more devoted to Jesus/God than anyone so this has 100% nothing to do with sin or state of my heart etc.  

I’m more desperate than anyone ever could be to find TRUTH and for someone anyone to explain all these hundreds if not thousands of contradictions in the Bible. God seems like a tyrantical sadistic monster in the Bible and I truly don’t want to think that. I don’t want to lose faith and hate God but I’m already on that road. Someone explain all these contradictions and sadistic crazy scriptures about a God that seems like a manipulative abusive bully. I can’t deal with all the extreme trauma this has brought me and I don’t want my children to totally lose faith too.

A:  I cannot tell if you are a professing believer or a deciever with nefarious purposes, or someone not saved, bit is looking for truth, yet whose been led astray and is confused.

First, as to your claim of having "the purest most loving sinless heart of everyone Ive Ever known", I would ask you to examine yourself because it sounds like self righteousness, and pure arrogance. Only Jesus is perfect, and every human born thru Adam is a sinner. Thus you are not sinless, nor pure, nor loving- for without God saving you you do not posess the love of God that only those with spiritual life through Christ have. So yes, this needs addressing because your assertion is sinful & idolatrous and needs correcting. 

However as noted here, keep examining and looking into the Faith in order to find, know and posess the truth. The below will help. Pray God will open your heart and eyes, and lead you into truth. As Scripture tells us 

As to your questions: Have you asked your pastor, deacons or Sunday School/Bible study leader about these (and specific areas of difficulty that confuse/trouble you?) or are you not in a church as you should be to help get these basic kinds of things answered? Church exists for us to worship God, but also to be discipled into truth, which God has revealed in Christ and through the Scriptures. If you arent there you can't be shepherded into truth and mature into holy living. 

These are some objections to the Faith that Athiests throw out there, so have you allowed into your mind and ears, the deceptive and crafting subtle lies of Satan, easily found on social media today? 

Here are resources to help you solidify or lead you to faith. And so Satan can't get you to fear and doubt God again. 

About God; come to understand what you don't know about Him. And in study of his attributes, to gain more clarity. 

4 videos on God, Jesus, & Scripture reliability that will help solidify your faith.

Debunking the Contradictions claim. Beside the fact that you didnt list out your claim of many or even one claim of a supposed contradiction (so we can help answer it), it feels like what you shared wasnt genuine but simply an attack on Christianity.

Just because you run into an area of difficulty doesn't mean there's error. It's your misunderstanding, and of which teaching from the pulpit and in Bible studies helps educate on when one is actively at Church every week, as they should be. 

If you're asking as a non believer, these are enough information to guide you into truth, and lead you to openly embrace/obey the Gospel, [which by obeying it in faith], puts us right with God, & gives us the righteous holy nature to love and live for God. God transforms us into a new creation. 

What's in the Bible and what does it reveal

Hope this helps.

God bless

Related

God is not a sadistic, bully or Meglomaniac